Calistri's Corner

I have no official traveling gigs until April and I was looking forward to some down time in Austin. This is usually a great time of year here; the temperature hovers in the 70’s, the SXSW music festival kicks into full gear, and the wildflowers are starting to emerge.  But this week brought me some personal losses that will make this spring tougher to navigate, even from Austin.

I had to put down my cat Stella yesterday; my constant companion of the last 18 years.  There are probably few articles that I’ve written, where Stella wasn’t by my side.  I know that Falstaff recently went through the same heartbreak with his lovely Bela.  Knowing that I made the best decision for Stella in the end, and knowing she had a long and full life, has done little so far to fill the huge void left by the absence of my tiny sweet friend.Â

And I know that everyone in the poker writing biz has suffered some setbacks because of the UIGEA.  US advertising dollars are drying up faster than a puddle in the hot Texas sun, cutting back content outlets for writers.  And I’ll be the first to admit that I still harbor much bitterness for the way the UIGEA went down.  I set up a google alert on the name “Frist” just on the off-chance that the SEC finally develops some balls and busts him for insider trading. It’s petty, I know.  I can’t help myself; Frist was complicit in ending one of my life’s goals - which unfortunately I also had to “put down” this week.

I have been pursuing my PhD for as long as most of y’all have known me. I completed my coursework, passed my oral and written exams, completed my research and defended my proposal. With much of the dissertation drafted, I needed one last dedicated three month push to complete it.  With the financial pressures of life in general, it had been hard to find a three month “earning-free” window.  But I was “lucky’ enough to score an obscene advertising deal with Paradise Poker for my Aimlessly blog - one that would allow me to dedicate my time to the dissertation.  The UIGEA ended all that - as well as cutting into my regular gigs. I tried to multi-task it these last few months, but my progress was predictably slow. So this week I accepted my Masters degree in lieu of my doctorate.  I don’t regret a minute I spent pursuing my goal.  It was a great experience where I learned many things that helped me view the world differently. But I also know that I have some grieving ahead of me. I haven’t yet begun to process what it means to fight hard for a dream and lose it.

I know these are small things in today’s scope of human tragedy.  I didn’t lose a loved one in Iraq or a child to cancer.  I didn’t lose my job just short of a pension because a corporation was garnering this quarter’s favor with Wall Street. Â

For me, the spring has always represented new potential, new dreams, and new beginnings.  But I now realize that this spring, I will be well served to try to find a way to put my “endings” in perspective.  I promise not to wallow (further) in my blog. Writing about poker is a big part of what I enjoy and I will not deny myself that pleasure this spring - or any other spring - as long as they let me.           Â
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This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 7th, 2007 at 1:16 pm and is filed under Uncategorized.