Grubby at PokerWorks

I didn’t quite reach my $500 porn quest, but I did earn $397 (anyone notice Full Tilt’s careful tournament wording of poker “earns” and not “wins” for the naughty, naughty U.S. players flaunting their poker noses at the UIGEA?).

Rather than blow it all on booze and tube socks as I tend to do, I decided to be good and use it to make a credit card payment to my near-overlimit Citibank account. That was my intention, anyway.

Trying to beef up security, Citibank has instituted a policy to further protect my identity by forcing all users to take a “trip down memory lane” by answering three questions.Other credit cards just ask one question, but Citibank is obviously 3x better by asking three questions.If you’re looking to steal my identity, you should know that I tend to respond with the same answer no matter what the question. Same password, same personal question. That’s just my little way of getting back at the Man. And if that Man wants to take over my identity and debt and bad beats, have at it.

I don’t find any value in these identity questions; if you know the answer, other people who know you will also know the answer, but of course, people who know you (like ex-girlfriends you may have put in jail and are up for parole) would never be the ones to steal your identity, right?

So Citibank eschewed the typical questions of mother’s maiden name, city where you were born, and weirdest place you’ve ever made whoopee.

Instead, Citibank (who you may remember helped cook the books of Enron) attempted to be creative and ask questions only people on MySpace and Match.com have time to think about.

Questions like:

Who was your arch rival when you were growing up?

and

What is the last name of the second girlfriend you had after your first divorce?

Okay, so only one of those was an actual question, but at least my question is specific enough to remember the next time I login. There isn’t much chance that I myself will remember the answers I give a month from now.

As for my arch rival as a young grub, that name changed on a daily basis (you know who you are, Melvin Moody).

These annoying questions force you to write the answers down like you would a password. And if that’s the case, there’s your password and your three answers right there conveniently at the ready for the person (or arch rival) about to steal your identity.

So I decided I’m just going to post my answers here, because no one would think to look for credit card security answers in a poker blog.

And yes, these are actual questions:

If you needed a new first name, what would it be?
24601.3.14159.

If you could control your height, how tall would you be?
Three inches, so I can fit in a pocket and my penis will look big.

What is your most unique characteristic?
I can fart in three different languages.

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Here are the other questions, most of which I had no answer for:

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Last Name of your kindergarten teacher?
Name of childhood best friend?
Name of favorite childhood pet?
Name of the place where your wedding reception was held?
Name the first school you ever attended?
Name the highest mountain you’ve been to the top of?
Other than where you live, what’s your favorite city?
What is the first name of your closest childhood friend?
What is the last name of the funniest friend you know?
What is the last name of the most famous person you’ve met?
What is the last name of your favorite teacher?
What is the last name of your first boyfriend or girlfriend?
What is the model of your first car?
What is the name of your favorite movie?
What is the name of your favorite novel?
What is your favorite car?
What is your favorite cartoon character?
What is your favorite fictional character?
What is your favorite flower?
What is your favorite restaurant?
What is your favorite song?
What is your hobby?
What is your oldest sibling’s nickname?
What is your youngest child’s nickname?
What is your youngest sibling’s nickname?
What was the last name of your first grade teacher?
What was the name of your first pet?
What was the name of your first roommate during college?
What was your boss’s first name at your first job?
What was your favorite place from your childhood?
What was your most memorable gift as a child?
Where did you go on your honeymoon?
Who is your favorite athlete?
Who is your favorite musical group?
Who is your favorite person from history?
Who is your favorite singer?

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It’s time to rebel.

First it was that idiotic security code on the back of credit cards, then it was a secondary passcode or word that forced me to skip my auto-filler and key by hand, and now we have three personal questions I don’t know the answers to.

Good riddance, Citibank. You and your 23.24 percent APR, inane 1 percent foreign transaction fee, and three silly questions can eat the carpet. I’m taking my remaining credit line of $50 and going elsewhere.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 9th, 2007 at 1:22 am and is filed under Uncategorized.