IGGY at PokerWorks

Compendium blogs aren’t just here to stay; they’re only going to get more prominent, because the logic of the poker-blog market — and yes, it IS a market — demands that a new format adds additional structure to an otherwise all-but-unsurfable sea.

That said, the best of the single-person independent voices and sites will never go away, because that’s part of poker blogging, too.”
Haley

Howdy and welcome to Iggy at Poker Works, my new little space in the Blogosphere.

It seems the rumours of my demise were greatly exaggerated. Yes, I’m guilty of a little misdirection, but surely you expect that by now. After all, what kind of poker player would I be if I didn’t provide some false reads here and there?

And a huge thanks to my evil overlords good friends here at Poker Works for providing me with a home to simply do what I do best.

Destroy Workplace Productivity.

And this is my new home to do so. Thanks for coming by.

For the love of everything decent and good in the world, please click on some banners here, sign up with a new poker site and support your humble bloggers who drunkenly write these monster posts for you.

And with no further preamble, let’s rock and roll.

I spent last weekend at my boat, the Argosy, and was stunned by how busy the place was. Now it’s not a big room, with only 15 tables, but the waiting list was over 30 players deep by 2pm in the afternoon. That, my friends, is a hopping room.

It was fun for me to sit with the regulars and discuss their being a “pro” for the first time. I was able to chat with three of them and finally outed myself as an ex online pro. See, when I played for a living, I never drank nor talked much at the table. Shocking, I know.

But the thing I take away from the conversations is that NONE of these pro’s play online. It’s simply stunning to me. Nearly all of the excuses (outside of not owning a computer) revolved around the online poker game being rigged and/or cheaters. Nearly every one of them had a close friend or family member who was fleeced out of big, big money playing online.

I tried my best to explain the advantages of playing online. No travel, no tokes, far less rake, faster hands, multi-tabling - to no avail. They simply couldn’t believe that is was legit.

I tried to explain that here in the year of our Lord, 2007, that the Internet is a series of tubes, and while it still yet may be a fad, the games were juicy and profitable for a discerning player. Yes, I said, there are concerns. But if you ever have your spidey sense tingling, it’s as easy as clicking your mouse once to move to a new table. Or even a new site.

I guess people are scared of things they don’t understand.

This is kinda weird, ain’t it? Blogging somewhere else? I’m finding it exciting as all hell, but I’m the adventerous type.

For one thing, I’m happy as hell to have the Lithuanian mob behind me to deal with fuckers who steal my entire posts. My guess is that they will deal with things differently than I, the filer of DMCA notices.

Consider yourself warned, scrapers.

Our December WPBT Gathering is looming. Anyone else excited?

I have a conference in Chicago earlier that week and it appears as if I’ll be flying into Vegas directly from there. That Friday night is Drizz’s 32nd birthday and he plans “on getting fucked up to the nth degree”.

I’ll be there, damnit. And hey Drizz, I had no clue that I helped you start one of my favorite faithful morning reads. Ditto for JoeSpeaker. He reminded me that I posted about him when he linked me up on an ESPN forum back in Sept of 2004. He thankfully started his a blog a few months later. Can you imagine a blogger universe without his writings? Here’s a snippet from the ‘04 post:

And while on ESPN & poker, someone told me about an ESPN poker forum thread where one of the regulars was quoting me. Yikes and thank you smacca17.

ESPN Poker Talk in the Oakland A’s baseball forum.

Poker Thread O’ The Day

—-

re: The Blinds. I thought I explained that.

I was protecting my blind. I do that (not always). It’s quite profitable, at times.

Iggy, The Blogfather, explains:

Everyone should run ideas through the blender of the game they play in. There is no “typical” Holdem game, and any advice that says there is is lousy, laughable advice. In some games you should defend less; in some games you should defend more. In all games you should defend when profitable to do so.

Too many players have an absurd obsessiveness about quality of starting hands, instead of focusing on the $-values and the post flop play. If you lay down 98o headup in the big blind when an early position raiser has raised with AQo, you have made a major error — if you play good poker, which means playing well after the flop in Holdem. If you play poorly, then perhaps your best choice is to lay down the 98o because it will mean you lose less money. But the focus of your continued study should be on learning to be a better player so that you can play these hands profitably.

To a large degree, a major difference between mediocre players and very good ones is how they deal with the blinds. Mediocre players lose more in the blinds (either by giving up too easily, or chasing too foolishly), and they do not steal equity from the blinds of weaker players (if when holding AKo you do not raise the blind of a weak player who will lay down 98o, you are playing poorly). Everybody loses in the blinds. Where mediocre players lose $40, very good ones lose $32, or $37, or even $39.—

Tis funny to realize that was over two years ago.

Poker and I are at a strange place right now. It’s been long enough now that I miss it, but then again, I’m not sure if I can play limit hold em anymore.

My new motto: ANYTHING but hold em.

Well, not really, but I’ve still been sitting at HORSE tables for grins. I’m terrible but it’s fun as hell.

Also, I agreed to psuedo-coach a pseudo-friend in poker. Not for any type of altruistic reasons, mind you, but simply because starting out with a beginning player is something I need right now. To help remind me of the basics that have since molded into part of my poker makeup after all this time.

Stay tuned cause it oughta give me plenty to write about.

My buddy, Matty, told me to remind people that when I started my blog I was a low limit grinder. I banged away just trying to build up my meager roll, bonus whoring in the good old days.

It’s interesting now to peruse the PokersiteScout website and see the traffic numbers for the assorted online poker rooms.

PokerStars has lept out in front, followed by Full Tilt, with Party Poker hanging in there at third.

Four of the top ten and eight of the top fifteen don’t allow US players. Very interesting.

And look at poor Paradise. I went in there awhile back to grab my last few grand and there were virtual tumbleweeds blowing around the place. Made me very sad and nostalgic.

I made my online poker bones on Paradise Poker way back in the day. My how the mighty have fallen. The Wharton School of Business will be probably be studying these rooms as case studies for the next 100 years.

Maybe not.

But it’s sure been fun documenting all this. And I’m happy as hell to be doing so here at PokerWorks. Hang on folks, the ride ain’t nearly over.

And with that said, let’s uber it the fuck up, shall we?

Commence Guinness-fueled, tangential as hell poker ramblings.

Where to start, where to start?

Let’s begin with some intelligent thoughts on where we’re at with online poker and the silly legislation that was passed. I highly recommend Nate the Great’s essay:
Collected thoughts on the next 270 days

And let’s hit a few pertinent news articles to educate ourselves, shall we?

First off is this provoking writeup at Slate. Good stuff.
Rolling the Dice
The United States’ big legal gamble with Internet gaming.

This is a few days old but still worthy. From MSNBC:
Criminal charges brought over online gambling
More than two dozen people, companies in four states accused. Thankfully, not over poker.

The Washington Times Technology blog claims that traffic to the top 10 Internet gambling sites dropped a staggering 56 percent in October.

This is the greatest thread I’ve read in quite awhile. From an 18 year old on 2+2 from a few months ago. 12 pages of hilarity. And some of the links to his earlier posts are GOLD, Jerry, GOLD. Am I a bad person because I love this?

I am tapped.

Damn, I really want to post some of his searing insight on this here humble poker blog, but instead, I’m going to encourage you to go read it all.

“Rush …. tilt …. broke ….. heater …. rush …. tilt …. broke … rush …. tilt …. rush …. more tilt …. broke …. broke …”

And this:

Typical. Every time a player comes along with a style that doesn’t conform to conventional by-the-book 2+2 dogma, the self-appointed arbiters of poker correctness circle the wagons and cluck their matronly tongues.

The 2+2 elite have declared that it’s bad form to play above your bankroll. Shame on you! They’ve declared that it’s not allowed to jump directly into the 100/200 game without first paying your dues by “learning the basics”.

You make me sick, you so-called experts with your books and your little pot-odds sliderules and finicky “bankroll management” and precious “personal hygiene”. You look down your noses at a true baller like HIV because he refuses to play by your artificial rules like “memorize what beats what” and “don’t live in your Mom’s basement” and “bathe at least once a week”.

One day you will learn that there are many paths to poker greatness, and while you’re satisfied to chip chip chip away at the mountain, guys like me and HIV aren’t afraid to head straight for the summit - no compass, no blankets, no water, no map, no rope, no gloves, just raw ambition, gut-level intuition, and solid gold style. And while you’re squirreling away your treasured “profits”, we’ll be laughing all the way to the bank machine.

Good God, I love it.

let’s dig into the good old days and post this great stuff. Here’s how Planet Poker got owned way back when.

How We Learned to Cheat at Online Poker: A Study in Software Security

I want to shout-out to my buddy PokerGrub. Read his last two posts, damnit.

Let’s head back to 2+2 for a few. Some fine posts here:

men the master and one of his crew had big fight tonight

Men is in the 5 seat and the older gentlemen is in the 9 seat on Table 24 right near the mid-stake podium. It seems a hand went down where there was some argument on the action went down. Men and this mid-50s white gentleman are involved. Men gets a free card or something like that and puts a bad beat (double counterfeit) on the older guy. The older guy gets pissed off and throws his cards at Men. Men then gives him a solid, “F-YOU” and the guy then throws a water bottle at him.

This is where I’m not 100% sure if Men threw the Corona bottle or Men’s side kick threw the bottle (as both were drinking Coronas) but one of them throws the bottle at the older guy and it hits him in the head (I’m 90% sure it was Men). He gets up and lunges at Men and Men’s sidekick intercepts. Many punches are thrown, chips are spilled, and all hell breaks loose as the screaming and yelling from all other tables mixes in.

The fight was so furious I would describe it as two dogs trying to tear each other apart. There floor guys grab all three of them as Men was headed out of his seat to join in the fight. They break it up, security shows up, some jacka$$ from the high limit room stairs starts a, “Men, Men, Men, Men” cheer, the floor tells that idiot to STFU, chips are everywhere, the whole card room is standing up, the commotion is loud, the games have stopped, the floor is yelling at others to back up and go back to their games, some do, most don’t. They pull Men’s sidekick over in front of Bobby’s room. The older guy has a huge welt around this left eye and is bleeding.

Security removes the older guy and the floor is trying to get everyone away from the table so they can sort out the spilled chips. Then they remove Men’s sidekick and Men. After about 20 minutes all is returned to normal.

Just another day of poker.

Someone made a cry for help about our beloved game. Tis interesting how people think.
Help, poker is turning me into a racist

Anyone still paying attention to 2006 WSOP champ, Jamie Gold, and his lawsuit? I’m not but I’ll give you this link that details info from the court documents. Good reading if you care: Gold responds in some detail to allegations.

A sad tale from a 2+2′r:
My life is over.

And there but for the grace of God, go I, here’s another rough post. At least hit the link for the graph. all good things come to an end

And um, here’s yet another crazy one. Seems as if some 2+2′rs are experiencing rough times. Or perhaps some are just finally being honest. HONESTLY CONSIDERING KILLING MYSELF

Let’s lighten up a bit shall we? Want to watch a great freaking pro dealer rant? From the KidInBrooklyn, a buddy of Dr. Pauly’s. This is awesome: Tip the dealers!

For those who miss Ed Miller on 2+2, you should check out his new blog. I have to say I hate the name Noted Poker Authority. No imagination or branding there. But the guy knows poker so I won’t say what I really think.

Allow me to share this thread about the impending 2+2 books due out this year. Here’s a comprehensive list for all your poker book buying needs:

“Raymer on Self Defense”
“Hellmuth’s Guide to Relaxation”
“Play Golf like the Pros” by Phil Ivey
Dr. Strange-Shirt or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Drop the F-Bomb by Freddy Deeb
“Religion for Dummy’s” by Sklansky
“Mastering People Skills” by Josh Arieh
“Poker Tears 101″ by Mike Matasow
“Primal Mating Calls of the Wild” by Matias Anderson
“The Lotus Position and other Table Yoga” by Annie Duke
“Respecting the Game” by James McManus
“Picking up a REAL hand” by Vince Van Patten
“ESPN’s Guide to Proper Tournament Manners” by The Crew
“I’m Really Tall” by Phil Gordon
“A Gentleman’s Game: Poker Table Ettiquette” by Ellix Powers
“Tighter Than a Snare Drum” by Gus Hansen
“The Art of the Intense and Annoying Stare-Down” by Glenn Hughes
“How to Play Flawless Pot-Limit Omaha” by Ted Lawson
“Playing Poker Just for Fun and Recreation” by Phil Ivey

Here’s some fine thoughts from two of poker’s finest minds about the unlawful gambling legislation that was passed. First off is Mr. Lou Kreiger’s post called: Why Online Gaming Needs a Politcal Action Committee.

Next up is Andy Bloch, who told me back in 2004 that he read my blog, who has his two cents entitled: Republican leaders in Congress put their anti-gambling morality ahead of national security.

Massive thread here:

Bots in PartyPoker’s 6-max Limit games?

Thank God someone had the knowledge to call out Ray Bornert for being the sick fuck that he is.

I agree. Ray Bornert is a nutcase who’s using this as a platform to promote his products and insane worldview. He lost his marbles some time ago and now gets high on the thought of his bot network taking over the online world. He’s quite a sick individual, and I don’t know why he should be allowed here, promoting his site and
spreading a very one sided perspective of online poker. He has no interest in discussion, as he’s made his mind up about what’s ethical, what’s possible, and what sites should and will eventually do (openly allow collusion and bots). Even though those beliefs and hopes have no grounding in reality.

His frustration that things aren’t the way he wants proves most of his assertions wrong. The solution to the bot problem is vigilance (such as the OP), aggressive detection methods, and not giving fruits like Mr. Bornert any chance to promote their products. I’m sure he’s gotten some signups already to his shady site as a result of his postings here.

Hrm, where to go from here? How about some of the RGP Haters Hating on sweet little Danny N? That’s never boring.

This is a hate Dan N posting

Yes, I do read things the guy says, as from my perspective he has become a side show, an ongoing soap opera in which you sadly wait for the next episode. He is no different then Matasow, Hellmuth or Laak et al. except that his actions are probably more calculated.

After reading his past few blog posts I have come to realize that the guy is totally whacked out and has a disillusioned image of himself. I think this is a result of him being a momma’s boy for so long, he always feels protected and warm near the nest, thus, even his independence as a full grown man is suspect.

He has probably always disliked authority and was not raised in a strict household so he was not taught to respect others. He may have even always been told by his friends around him of how great a pool player he was, or how smart he was. This has contributed to his success as it gave him the confidence needed, but it has also totally clouded his reality. He thinks he is Brad Pitt or something; everyone should know who he is, even the “rich white businessmen” he so despises (as if his profession makes him immune to being a prick).

I find it funny how he reflects on his life as if he grew up in some tough streets. The guy grew up in a suburb of Toronto, a nice, peaceful suburb with plenty of wannabe tough guys and other mommas boys. Ask anyone from Toronto if the area he grew up in suggests that he had a hard life. Ask him how often he and his homies hung out at Jane and Finch in Toronto trying to hustle a living, I assure you he never did and he might have a different respect for authority when he is on the phone calling the police.

I imagine he would be one of those guy who you would want to kick his ass because he is such an annoying runt but you just couldn’t out of integrity as he is 130 pounds dripping wet. This may be one of the reasons why Lederer did not kick his ass over the comments he made about his sister. He said beating him up wasn’t an option, meaning, he did not want to resort to violence and get charged, but also it would be an unfair fight. Most men realize that if they can handidly beat up a guy, they do not resort to that, as there isn’t truly a threat there and it is not honourable to take it that far.

Honest opinions now on what people think about him. His poker playing aside, in which he has really become sucker for being trapped (albeit during a bad stretch of cards). I am avid poker player soap opera chaser and I like to yank his chain from time to time out of boredom and shock due to how he portrays himself. He talks so much about race relations etc. yet has anyone heard of him hanging out with the toughies in LV? Has anyone heard of him sitting down and helping the less fortunate? I hope all those who dislike him avoid his damned online poker site, if what he writes in his Blog about other poker players, “Rich White Businessmen” (many of which have probably sponsored him or promoted him) and almost anyone who he cares to write about is constantly this negative, he deserves to fail in these endeavours.

Please Dan, get off your high horse, you will then see that you have only been riding a pony.

Someday I want to become rich and famous and have people spend hours posting about how overrated I am.

A defender had this excellent rebuttal:

Daniel N. is a young, hugely successful professional poker player, makes millions of dollars a year, has major sponsorship deals, is on national TV every week and has a loving relationship with his family. He is always smiling, has a great sense of humor, never goes on emotional rampages or disrespects dealers or his opponents. He is one of the most recognized, respected and well liked professional poker players in the world.

No wonder you twits are jealous. Poker losers hate the poker winners.

Continuing the RGP anti-Daniel theme:

Daniel Negreanu thinks he is the Jesus Christ

All from Daniel’s newest blog:

“So anyway, I’m at the airport in Vegas and it seemed as though everyone and their mother recognized me.”

“As I sat in the plane several people said things like, “I love watching you on TV,” or, “My husband just loves watching you on TV.” It wasn’t too bothersome at all, as their were no drunks on the plane. ”

“He sat down next to me, and I was honestly expecting him to start bragging about how important he was, or how much money he had… but it didn’t happen.”

“So I landed in Tampa and I was mobbed at that airport as well. It was just one of those days.”

“By the time I walked to the poker area, a few people stopped me to say hello. Then, a guy who was going to be attending the charity event the following night offered to buy me a beer. ”

“When I got to the poker room, though, I didn’t get a ton of breathing room. Most of the people there had no idea I was coming, so many of them were quite shocked. I took pictures and autographs for a quite a while before starting up.”

“Before and while I was playing lots of people were coming up to me asking for autographs, and I heard Corey say, “See people don’t realize, that’s a hard life. You have to deal with that all the time.” He then asked me if I was used to it, and I replied to him, “I don’t really have a choice? It is what it is and it’s to be expected.”

I’ll make this sort of a “create your own punch-line” about what a self-centered, egotistical, dickhole Negreanu has become. And yes, I’m aware that SOMEBODY is going to point out that I read his blog, even though I’m saying what a queef he is.

I guess I’m always surprised by all the hatred and jealousy of Daniel. Sure, he stopped posting at RGP but the guy has always seemed extremely accessible. Besides, he’s my wife’s favorite player.

I’ll have to repost that infamous flame of Annie Duke that Daniel wrote on RGP back in the day. Gimme time.

For now, let’s gaze back in time to a pre-television Howard Lederer and sister, Annie Duke. That’s a chunky vegan.

I forgot to post this on the anniversary, but hell, better late than never.

The greatest read in the biggest game of all time.

23rd Anniversary of the day Stanislav Petrov following his instincts and saved the world.

Not poker, but next time you’re faced with a tough decision on the river, think of this and remember it could be worse.

Stanislav_Petrov

Geez, a guy at work gave me a few packs of these American Spirit cigarettes and they are positively awful. Now wonder Tony quit smoking.

From the Church of Reason Department here at Guinness and Poker PokerWorks, here’s an example of someone accusing a site of stealing their funds. I really should start documenting all these posts, because they’re all too common. Plus, the responses are typically some tasty fun reading.

absolute poker steals my money accuses me of chip dumping

Im new to this site not sure if i posted this in the right scetion.

I recently played high stakes on absolute poker heads up tables. 25-50. I played for just under an hour and won about 4k off this maniac. He just kept betting and folding i guess missing his draws.

I goto cashout 1 day down the road. Everything seems fine they say they need 48 hours to process the cashout which is fine. 72 hours pass and i recieve no email or nothing, so i decide to log into my poker account. When i goto login it says login ID not recognized. I know i was inserting the right password and login ID. So i email support, after 24 hours of no responce i search the internet for a toll free support number and finally find one.

After calling them on the phone they said they are investigating into my account and i will receive an email in 24 hours. So i wait again only to find out that they do not e-mail me. Now today comes along and i call them explaining the situation.

I speak to someone named adrian from security at absolute poker. He had gone ahead and told me that my account had been closed becuase of chip dumping.

I was completly shocked.

First time i cash in for big money online there was nothing illegal done on my end.

The big question is what can i do to recover my funds. Im very heated up about this situation. I already planned on paying off some of my o.s.a.p loan with this money and now i stand to lose the money i intiatally deposited off my credit card. Can someone give me some suggestions on the whole situation.

thanks,
jon M

p.s my screen name on absolute poker is mouldy may have played with some of you at 5-10 10-20 25-50

First response, and the likely best:

25/50 - 4K in an hour. I guess he didn’t win any hands.

You came to the right place.

We’ll start up a collection tomorrow.

Well hell, I have a moral obligation to post Gary Carson’s response, don’t I?

His opponent had deposited $4,000 using a stolen credit card or a Neteller InstaCash that bounced or some other such scam. A transfer is transparent and the room will block the cashout until the deposit clears. So, they dumped the chips in a heads up room.

They were the first scammers to ever think of this and I can’t imagine how Absolute Security figured it out.

Gary Carson

40+ posts after the first and the original poster never responded after his original post…silly newbies.

Continuing the silly posts on RGP theme, here’s a doozy.

David Singer he’s good, but is he gay…?

Great game. But looks strange every time you see him on tv. Is this guy gay?

Are there any gay guys on tour..?

Hey, if you can’t spot the gay guy at in the table in the first half hour…then . . .

Not that it should matter to anyone, but David likes girls from what I read.

Want to start an old-school classic RGP political flame war? Just start a thread with a post like this:

Taxes

I really try to stay out of the political discussions here, because I think it’s generally a waste of time (has anyone’s mind here EVER been changed?).

But thought you might find this interesting, given that it directly impacts how much money you have:

(I heard these figures somewhere else, but this info is from Rush’s website, but is data direct from the IRS for 2003 – last year available.)

The top 1% of taxpayers earns 16.77% of all income but pay 34.27% of all income taxes.

The top 5% earns 31.18% of all income but pays 54.36% of all income taxes.
The top 10% earns 42.36% of all income but pays 65.84% of all income tax.
The top 25% earns 64.86% of all income but pays 83.88% of all income tax.
The top 50% earns 86.01% of all income but pays 96.54% of all income tax.

And the bottom 50% pays 3.46% of all income taxes. (And these are the people who the Dems want to give a tax cut to? What do they want it to go to? 0%? Sheesh.)

By the way, in case you think that top 50% doesn’t include you: “The top 50% were those individuals or couples filing jointly who earned $29,019 and up in 2003. (The top 1% earned $295,495-plus.)”

So keep voting for people who want to raise taxes. And keep wondering why you feel like the government is raping you every two weeks.

(p.s. – Please insert all of the usual arguments here, such as the Republicans are wasting money just like the Democrats (true, which is why I’m a libertarian), the war is costing money and that’s why taxes are high, yada, yada, yada….At the end of the day, you can’t argue with the numbers, and frankly I’m getting tired of paying 10 times more taxes than I should based on what I make.)

Flame away.

And they did.

Or wait - I found an even more massive and vitriolic thread. Here’s how to start a 150+ post thread on RGP. Post something like this:

Subject: Osama, you can rest easy

The pussies just took over the American congress.

Too easy for the trolls these days. It’s like fishing with dynamite.

I think this was an excellent post by a long long time RGP’r. Mostly because there are so many damn pro’s making a living at my boat, the Argosy. They feature both $300 and $500 max buyin NL games and they’re pretty damn soft, if you’re patient. There has also been a No Max buyin game on the weekends, which I only played in once. My dealer buddy told me that the game might not go off anymore as the softspots got decimated the last two weeks.

B&M Restricted Buy-In No Limit Games

Finally, a poker game that enables a player, who has a modest bankroll but also has skill and patience, to progress and build a bankroll. There hasn’t been an opportunity like this since the 1970s. In those days, players could play in a small game like 2-4 draw, build up a bankroll and work up. Collections were very low (l.25 per half hour) and games were self-dealt. Things have changed dramatically since
then, of course.

When I worked at the Bicycle Casino a few years ago, the limited buy-in no-limit games were starting to become popular and it became clear that a new opportunity was available for players.. The blinds are small and a buy-in, for instance, $100, would go a long way and enable the selective player to wait for a quality hand.

By contrast, in the small limit games, 3-6, 4-8, and 6-12, the size of the blinds and collections made it necessary to play more hands, thus requiring a much larger bankroll to sustain the variance . For this reason, it was much more difficult for players to build bankrolls and few, if any, were able to move up to the larger games.

The same is true for the mid-limit games 15-30, 20-40, and up. The bigger the limit, the larger the bankroll that is required, of course. In these games, though, winning players are able to make enough to sustain a modest living.

This year, after I had a losing streak that lasted a few weeks in the 20-40, I started playing in the 100 buy-in NL games. I decided they were the most profitable for me at this time, since I’m new to this format and so were most of the other people there. In addition, there’s a large number of available games, especially at Hawaiian Gardens and Commerce.

Frankly, I wish I’d started doing this earlier, since, in my opinion, that’s where most of the new players are and that’s where the growth of poker is going. When I check the top limit section at the Commerce, I see mostly the same group of people and they usually have the same or less number of games going.

It’s not easy switching games after over 30 years of playing limit poker, but so far I’ve done all right. Of course, I have some bad habits to overcome from playing limit, but I’m making progress. Another benefit from changing games is I’ve met many new players, most of whom are young men and women, and it’s great fun talking and
joking with them. In short, I’m having a great time and making a few bucks doing it.

Your opinions and experiences on this subject are welcome.

Thanks,
Barbara Gallamore

I guess if I decided to pursue poker again, I would seriously consider playing at the boat all the time, considering how the games are running right now. I mean, I scooped a $1400 pot last weekend when I got paid off with QUADS! Some real clueless players out there venturing into casino play. Gotta love it.

I’ve long been a huge fan of David Ross’s gambling blog. He just published a new book - hence this pimp - check it out.

Superb post here. I’ve proselytized this mentality for years over at Guinness and Poker. Well said, sir:

Sometimes we forget our place

All you professional and semiprofessional players should reflect on your role now and then.

Losing players are your customers. You exist to entertain them and their happiness is paramount because they give you their money. You must never spoil the game for them, abuse them, make them feel like a sucker, or cause them to feel cheated. To do otherwise is negative EV for you, bad karma, bad for poker, and very unprofessional.

We need to exercise peer pressure on those of us who misbehave and fail to appreciate what they have. I think the sites have a role to play in this too. Warnings and chat bans are fine when Joe Sixpack takes a few beats and loses his temper once in a while. But anyone who plays all the time and withdraws thousands of dollars a month needs to be held to higher standards. Your supposed value to the site and society is that you start the games and keep them going.

But if you insist on going postal and spewing venom at some 60/20 sap who happened to make a few hands then you are no asset at all. You should be offered a speedy cashout and invited to take your business elsewhere. You won’t be missed. The games will be softer without you and someone who is nicer to the customers will be happy to take your seat.

Amen!

The best part of it being late 2006 is that crack heads have finally made their way online. To wit:

Goodbye Online Poker and kiss my ass

Is the U.S.A ban good? Well first off let me say I am a vetran of the armed forces and served my country and would do so again if I was not to old now. I do not agree with the way the ban was sent through and I do not agree with the ban in it self taking away my right or rights as a citizen to do what I want when I want in the privacy of my own home. That being said.

Is my government protecting me in a way? Lets take a look. I have been playing for 3 years online almost exclusively . I have had ups and downs but have come out ahead not a whole lot but ahead nonetheless. I am disabled so I do not rely on poker as my income although I have made more each year than what I get in disability pension. Again that amounts to about $13,000 a yr. So in a sense online poker has allowed me to double my income without being taxed . A positive in my book.

Now the negative is I do not get outside, I smoke in a small room all day long and I have gained 30 lbs in 3 yrs sitting here day in and day out playing $10.00-$20.00 limit holdem and also playing No limit holdem tournaments that have guarentee’s attatched to them . I play at Absolute Poker and Poker Stars . 2 of the sites that have decided to say screw you U.S Government we are here to stay and we will not onor your ban or your curtailing of deposit options .

This would apear to be good news? Well I am begining to think its not a good idea for them or me. I have read a boatload of articles and forum posts on this subject and as I can see nothing has really changed are these sites really on the level anymore ? They are providing a place to play poker and getting there rake as it was before the ban . My big concern is that now they know there time is limited so mayge just maybe they are cheating someway somehow . Now I know this topic has been beaten like seabiscuit but think about it . They have no regulations they never have . Most peple that come into online poker lose infact I would bet alot of people have played for more than a year and never cashed out a penny ever from any site .

The roller coaster ride I have been on for 3 years was fun . I have to admit ive seen hands that are just not possible happen . I mean yes they are possible but they happen within minutes of each other the odds are in themillions. Ive read some stories in forums of people signing up for new accounts and getting great runs of cards for the first 2-3 days then BAM nothing. I myself experienced this about 2 years ago at Can Bet . I deposited $100.00 ran it up to 4k . Made my initial withdrawal of 3k . Then ran that 1k back up to 2.5k . Withdrew another 1.5k and BAM I got smacked around so bad it was disgusting I mean beat after beat after beat it didnt stop . beats that just would not happen consecutively live no way no how . I know that we are playing so many more hands online and I certainly can attribute the beat stories to that fact but not all of them.

Also I always wondered about the online prop players? also what stops people from froming online teams like they do in BM rooms? I mean I know for a fact that I can sit down at a table and a friend from a different isp can sit down well if i had 7 friends sit down at a 9 player table of limit holdem seems to me we could run the game all day everyday and there isnt a thing the online room could do about it. Also I know for a fact that in multi table sit and go’s i can sit as many players as I want in the tourney from 1 single ISP. Ihave done it.

In any event I made money , I should be happy but I am seriously begining to think im a lucky person and that my poker game may have not improved but i just got lucky over a 3 year period of time and my faith and trust in these sites is going away quickly . I think its time to give it up till its most definetly regulated by a trustworthy neautral party.

So im saying goodbye to online poker and to reading this great forum board although I know i didnt participate much here I did love reading all the posts by the regulars .

My prediction is this . Party Poker will be given exclusive rights to the US market when they negoatiate with our government to regulate online gaming and tax it and the rest will have there isp’s blocked. Maybe a pipe dream I never played at party anyways cause there software sucked.

Peace
See ya at a real card room sometime if I didnt give myself lung cancer or heart disease in 3 years of sitting infront of thsi computer

One of these days I’m going to compile a best of online poker is rigged posts. Might take me a few years, but damnit, I’m gonna do it.

Here is a classic response to those who say online poker is rigged and that anyone who says they win is a shill.

I find it amusing when people imply that anyone who claims to have made a nice chunk online must be lying (one word there: projection).

It’s really not rocket science, people. You don’t have to be world-class to do it. You just have to be better than most you play against, and that’s not hard to do. There are a stunning number of really bad players in the online poker world. With patience and good decision-making, a lot of their money will find its way to you. It’s a different game than B&M. There are more weak players. That can lead to some bad beats, but in the long run, you WANT those fish chasing after everything. The percentages work in your favor.

Not to mention it’s far easier to play poorly online. There’s no embarassment, no shame, no furrowed eyebrows, muttering under breath, no chips…..the lack of spatial relationships has a large impact, imho. Not to mention the speed of online play. The tiltability of it all.

I was stumbling through Hank’s archives and found this excellent tip:

–
Any time you play a hand without firmly believing that you have a positive expectation, you are on subtle tilt.
–

This is a concept that John Feeny first articulated in his fine book, Inside The Poker Mind.

I think there must be a distinct correlation between poker players who desire to improve, to study and become winning players and the poker blogging scene. It’s difficult sometimes to be brutally honest with our play, to dissect it and try to understand the “why and how” of what we are potentially doing wrong. It seems like many losing players have a propensity to blame losing on outside forces like bad luck or cheating. Winning poker players believe that winning is a direct result of their own studying, ability and preparation.

And allow me to state for the record that I’ve been getting my teeth kicked in at the tables lately. Variance and poor play.

Poker sure has a way of humbling you.

Let’s get today’s random odd picture out of the way, shall we?

In honour of my getting my hardbound editon of the SPY magazine book, how about this separated at birth photo?

I truly enjoyed Ryan’s post entitled:
(Form) Letter To A Young Internet Pro. Well done, Sir.

Let’s segue to month old news relating to Harrah’s and it’s quest for world domination. Do you think the second phase of the online gaming effort is under way?

LOS ANGELES, (Reuters) - Harrah’s Entertainment Inc. (HET.N: Quote, Profile, Research), the world’s biggest gambling company, on Friday raised its offer to acquire British casino operator London Clubs International (LCI.L: Quote, Profile, Research) to about $570 million from its previous offer of $530 million and said the biggest investor would sell.

Las Vegas-based Harrah’s said a subsidiary of Genting International Plc (GENS.SI: Quote, Profile, Research), the largest single holder of London Club shares, has agreed to sell its 29.6-percent stake at the higher price of 135 pence-per-share.

“We are encouraged that our offer for LCI will be successful based on our agreement to purchase Genting’s London Club shares,” Harrah’s Chief Executive Gary Loveman said in a statement.

Harrah’s, which itself is the target of a $15.5 billion takeover offer from two private equity firms, had announced the London Clubs deal in August, with a closing date of late September, but the offer was last extended to early November.

The company said on Friday that it expects the London Clubs transaction to close in the fourth quarter of this year. Harrah’s said on Oct. 2 that a committee of non-management board members would review the offer from Apollo Management and Texas Pacific Group (TPG.UL: Quote, Profile, Research).

I found this ode to Party Poker somewhat amusing.

Ode to Party

O Party, thou hast cleft my heart in twain!
With thee, I spent a thousand sleepless nights,
In ecstasies of pleasure and of pain,
So splendid were thy succulent delights!
Thy epic tournies, rife with jousting donks,
Did rescue me from abject destitution;
Now Dubya and his idiotic wonks
Do invite my bloody retribution!
How dare they say with whom you can transact,
And cordon you from he who loves you most?
I swear this day a solemn, sacred fact;
Election Day, those fuckers will be toast.
But if that fails, there’s but one thing to do:
To Canada! Where we begin anew.

How about the awful news (from June) that my online poker hero, Tuff_Fish is busto.

One of my all-time favorite poker authors and RGP posters, Mike Caro, briefly came back to RGP to post a silly poem. He was viciously attacked by Crazy Russ Gorgiev once again and left, never to appear for another year or two. Sucks.

A poem by Mike Caro

ROYAL

Ever had a royal flush wasted?
Like you’re at the mall somewhere
Or maybe at the county fair, see,
And they ask you to sing
And all the notes flit without flaw
But you can’t sing, not really,
Not ever, except now.
And the notes keep coming
Cute and cuddly
And everyone is attentive
And everyone is drawn in
And everyone claps completely.
Except she’s not there.
Ever had a royal flush wasted?

– Mike Caro
(c) Mike Caro 2006

I’m not sure why, but I found this non-poker 2+2 thread strangely compelling. I read the whole damn thing.
Ask Mr. Now

Honestly, the last two weeks of RGP have been dreadful. Crazy Russ GCA has been reposting all his crazy shit for the millionth time, Moola invites are freaking everywhere and the off-topic insanity continues. A regular poster had enough and said so:

RIP RGP….

…A farewell to a dear friend.

Now that BAHHs and whines have been more or less pushed out by the so called more ‘advanced’ players because it is ‘beneath’ them, what else is left?

Political and religious nonsense, scams and old threads rehashed as earth shattering revelations by Russ seem to be all that is left here. Where are the poker contents?

At least with whines and bad beat stories, we can, if we try, to focus on some aspect of poker which may reveal the short-coming of our play, even if sometimes it takes ‘heated’ discussion to do so. What do we gain now that scams, political and religious nonsense have pushed out the whines? More importantly, what have we lost?

So it is with a heavy heart that I bide thee farewell, dear RGP. You have been good in the development of many a novice player, but it seems that your time has passed. May you rest in peace.

–

I’ve been posting on RGP since 1995 and I think this must be at least the 100th prediction of its death. Posters come and go but RGP just keeping rolling along.

Irish Mike

Gots me beat - I’ve been reading since ‘97. And wow, I even found the original vote and charter for the formation on RGP in 1995. Not the best of reading but still a fine historical internet document. In the interest of covering all things poker, I’m posting it here for you, gentle reader.

From June 5, 1995:

From tale@uunet.uu.net Mon Jun 5 10:44:53 1995
Path: uunet!tale
From: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Newsgroups: rec.gambling.poker
Subject: cmsg newgroup rec.gambling.poker
Control: newgroup rec.gambling.poker
Approved: tale@uunet.uu.net
Message-ID: <802362623.2867@uunet.uu.net>
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:30:23 GMT
Lines: 15
Xref: uunet control:2108613

rec.gambling.poker is an unmoderated newsgroup which passed its vote
for creation by 277:37 as reported in news.announce.newgroups on 28 May 1995.

For your newsgroups file:
rec.gambling.poker Analysis and strategy of live poker games.

The charter, culled from the call for votes:

Discussion of all variants of live poker, both home and cardroom
versions, as well as strategy, cardroom policies and ambiance, play
via e-mail and IRC, and poker software. Excluded are discussions of
Video Poker, Caribbean Stud, Fast-Action Hold’em, Double-Down Stud
and other such games that are played against a bank, either house or
player supplied; discussion of such games would be appropriate in
the newsgroup rec.gambling.other-games.

From tale@uunet.uu.net Mon Jun 12 11:03:54 1995
Path: uunet!tale
From: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Newsgroups: rec.gambling.poker
Subject: cmsg newgroup rec.gambling.poker
Control: newgroup rec.gambling.poker
Approved: tale@uunet.uu.net
Message-ID: <802967521.3053@uunet.uu.net>
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 1995 14:32:02 GMT
Lines: 15
Xref: uunet control:2136191

rec.gambling.poker is an unmoderated newsgroup which passed its vote
for creation by 277:37 as reported in news.announce.newgroups on 28 May 1995.

For your newsgroups file:
rec.gambling.poker Analysis and strategy of live poker games.

The charter, culled from the call for votes:

Discussion of all variants of live poker, both home and cardroom
versions, as well as strategy, cardroom policies and ambiance, play
via e-mail and IRC, and poker software. Excluded are discussions of
Video Poker, Caribbean Stud, Fast-Action Hold’em, Double-Down Stud
and other such games that are played against a bank, either house or
player supplied; discussion of such games would be appropriate in
the newsgroup rec.gambling.other-games.

From tale@uunet.uu.net Thu Jul 6 02:41:30 1995
Path: uunet!in1.uu.net!tale
From: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Newsgroups: rec.gambling.poker
Subject: cmsg newgroup rec.gambling.poker
Control: newgroup rec.gambling.poker
Approved: tale@uunet.uu.net
Message-ID: <804954721.13443@uunet.uu.net>
Date: Wed, 5 Jul 1995 14:32:03 GMT
Lines: 15
Xref: uunet control:2232580

rec.gambling.poker is an unmoderated newsgroup which passed its vote
for creation by 277:37 as reported in news.announce.newgroups on 28 May 1995.

For your newsgroups file:
rec.gambling.poker Analysis and strategy of live poker games.

The charter, culled from the call for votes:

Discussion of all variants of live poker, both home and cardroom
versions, as well as strategy, cardroom policies and ambiance, play
via e-mail and IRC, and poker software. Excluded are discussions of
Video Poker, Caribbean Stud, Fast-Action Hold’em, Double-Down Stud
and other such games that are played against a bank, either house or
player supplied; discussion of such games would be appropriate in
the newsgroup rec.gambling.other-games.

Date: 1 Aug 1995 09:33:08 CDT
From: news@acad.stedwards.edu
Subject: cmsg newgroup rec.gambling.poker
Control: newgroup rec.gambling.poker
Newsgroups: rec.gambling.poker.ctl
Message-ID:
Approved: news
Distribution: world
Lines: 0
Xref: uunet control:2384004

Congrats to RGP Princess, Tanya Peck, for announcing she’s writing a poker book under the banner of Matthew Hilger. News can be found here: 4th Book and Author Announced!

I don’t watch poker on TV anymore. Well wait, I’d watch that High Stakes show if I could get it. But anyway, I know many of my readers do, so as a Public Service Announcement here at Poker Works, I’m letting you know about this nifty lil site. Poker on TV.

Moving along to movies, I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this little snippet from the Poker Continues as Cultural Juggernaut. James Bond and Texas Hold Em? Yikes.

James Bond Plays Texas Hold ‘Em!

So in the new James Bond film Bond does not play Baccarat. Instead he plays Texas Hold ‘em! Ugh.

I swear this series is going down hill. The Pierce Brosnan Bond films have had a “made for cable TV” look about them. I do consider myself a Bond fan. I have read some of the books and own most of the films on DVD. But seeing Bond in an invisible car was a little tooooo much! Now the Bond series is jumping on the Texas Hold ‘em bandwagon. Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson are a joke. Still, early reviews have been positive.

From Chicago Tribune: “Le Chiffre, a terrorism financier whose scarred left eye weeps blood on cue, ends up facing Bond in a formal-dress version of the World Series of Poker, playing for a $150 million pot in the elegant surroundings of a casino in Montenegro.”
http://metromix.chicagotribune.com/movies/mmx-0611120289nov12,0,6922292.story?coll=mmx-movies_heds

World Series of Poker? How original. Straight to cable TV I say.

BG from Gambling and Blues - er wait, Howard Beale on RGP disagreed and offered his take:

I think you are mistaken and that Daniel Craig is going to save and rejuvenate the series. He looks like the ‘badest’ Bond ever, probably the type they
should’ve started off with in the first place. As to poker, meh, it’s the ‘in
thing’ right now.

Here’s the trailer, and the movie looks awesome:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/casinoroyale/trailer1a/

Here’s what I like to see from the WSOP Advisory Council. Actually asking and digesting feedback from the poker community! Kudos. Here’s the latest news, and hell, if you play please give them your two cents.

WSOP Advisory Council — followup info
Author: Bob Feduniak (robertfeduniak@msn.com)

This is a follow-up to my previous posts on this forum that solicited comments relating to the World Series of Poker (WSOP) for discussion by the WSOP Players Advisory Council. Here are links to these earlier posts: One - Two

Dozens of readers contributed emails. Here (in no particular order) are brief bullet-point summaries of the most frequently-mentioned suggestions/wishes that I receivced for WSOP 2007 (taking into account comments made verbally in addition to those in emails):

–Duration of daily play too long in some events.
–Floorperson/decision-making needs improvement
–Players would like lower buy-in mixed-game events
–Quality of playing cards needs improvement
–Players don’t like being forced through Expo room on breaks
–More low-buyin satellites would be welcome
–Some food prices still too high
–Moderate-priced restaurants too crowded on dinner breaks
–Comp amounts should be higher for events with higher “juice”
–Juice should not rise so much for higher buy-in events.

The WSOP Advisory Council recently held its first post-WSOP 2006 meeting. All of these topic were presented to all Council members and to the Harrah’s executives responsible for planning and conducting WSOP. Some were discussed extensively; others will be covered in future meetings.

The Harrah’s group has already put a great deal of thought and effort into planning for WSOP 2007 to be the best WSOP ever. In my view, they are open-minded and really do welcome with open minds input from players at all levels. Your input has been/will be heard. That does not mean everyone will get what he/she wants, but be assured that your voices are being heard and welcomed. I feel quite confident that at least some of the changes suggested will be implemented for 2007.

Anticipating an obvious question, I have no connection to Harrah’s or WSOP apart from being an Advisory Council member (members receive no compensation) who has long enjoyed playing in WSOP.

Bob Feduniak

Drumroll please. It’s time for that special segment we call “Online Poker is Rigged.”
This guy got spanked pretty hard but I lost the link to the thread, damnit.

Full Tilt Poker - Flipping the “Don’t Win ” Switch on for USA Players

Full Tilt Poker has become Pure Pork Poker - the Jimmy Dean of the internet poker world.

They are offering a 50% bonus so I made a deposit there over the weekend. So did a few of my friends. After three hours of play at a variety of different games and experiencing more diabolical beats than one can imagine, I pulled up and cashed out. I did not win a hand. None of my friends won a hand either. We played all games and a variety of limits from low to high.

Everybody experienced the same beatings - big pairs or top sets getting crushed by hands needing two perfect to hit the board - the usual internet crap when they want to grab your quan. The real sweet ones were 4 to a wheel in razz about 5 times against a K 10 starter for the opponent. You know the drill… pair, pair, K. Opponent makes a 10 low.

My advice is to stay away from all of these sites until we know who is going to be legit in the future - if anybody.

Thank you Pure Pork Poker.

Sometimes I wonder what percentage of the world still thinks the Earth is flat. It’s prolly much higher than I’d guess.

Allow me to leave you with my favorite post from TODAY!

Party poker kaput?

Just tried to play on PartyPoker and was told they were not accepting U.S. players but that my deposited money was safe. I guess this means the end of Party Poker and other sites for American players. Surprised not to see any posts on this matter.

Are others having trouble too?

Oh the Humanity.

And thusly, I’m done here. No mas.

I hope you enjoyed this first ever uber post in my new poker home. Expect many many more to come. So bookmark me, damnit. Maybe gimme a link?

Anyway, thanks a ton for reading. Bonus Code IGGY Go sign up for a poker site or two with the banners in this site. It keeps the lights on and allows me to blog my ass off for you, more often. It’s win - win.

I’m not sure how to introduce my last tale here. This is a first for me. In three years of heavy-duty poker blogging, I’ve never quoted RGP ubertroll William Coleman before. He used to post on 2+2 as Osama Bin Laden for you 2+2 readers out there.

Anyhow, William took a sabbatical to visit his spiritual guru and travel around out West doing whatever it is he does.

And so he wrote up a trip report of sorts. And I’m sharing it with you.

Subject: Re: William, Are you back from your adventures?

: Tell us about the hookers….. My wife won’t let me have any!!!!!!!!!!

LOL. I have had only one encounter with a hooker, and it was absolutely hilarious. I was going to tell it as part of my “On the Road with Ramashiva” post, but I might as well tell it here.

I am still paranoid about mafia hitmen, and my trunk is still full of guns and ammunition, so I am reluctant to give specific details of what cities I am frequenting, what hotels I am staying at, what cardrooms I am playing at, and what titty bars I am frequenting. So most of my “on the road” post will have the details fuzzed up so the specific city, card room, etc., cannot be identified. This is unfortunate, because it prevents me from giving reviews and recommendations for hotels, restaurants, card rooms, and titty bars.

However, I think I can give the specifics on this incident. I have been spending a lot of time in titty bars and hustling women wherever I find them, hotels, restaurants, card rooms, convenience stores, etc. It doesn’t matter. When I see I beautiful woman, I ALWAYS put a heavy hustle on her, even if she is with her husband, parents — I DON’T CARE.

This is remarkable, because for my entire life, believe it or not, I have always
been very shy and inept when it comes to meeting and picking up women. Now, I am quite sure I am one of the most intense hustlers on the planet. Believe it or not, I have been picking up some incredible women.

Anyway, I have been having a lot of fun with the strippers and girls I pick up, but I still haven’t gotten actually fucked, but I have done just about everything else.

Anyway, my sex drive is in hyper warp drive, and I am walking around with a perpetual hard on. One night the poker game I was playing in in the region of interest broke up around three or four am, and I decided — What the fuck. I need to get actually fucked. I haven’t been laid in twenty years. I bet I can get laid in a whorehouse.

So I headed to the whorehouses of Mexico, specifically to San Luis Rio Colorado, south of Yuma, Arizona. Remember, I taught at Arizona Western College in Yuma, and spent all my free time in the whorehouses of La Zona Roja in San Luis.

So I pulled into Yuma about 6 am and stopped at a convenience store to gas up and replenish my ice chest before heading for Mexico. After I gassed up and got my goodies, I decided to drain my ice chest, since it hadn’t been drained for several days.

Just as I was pulling my ice chest out of the rear seat, I saw a beautiful young girl walk into the convenience store alone. I immediately thought — I am hustling that for sure. Maybe I won’t have to go to Mexico. So this sexy young wench comes out of the convenience store with a bag of food and a bunch of lotto tickets. She sits down on the curb on the side of the convenience store and starts scratching off lotto tickets.

I thought — What a fucking setup this is. I casually drug my ice chest over near to where she was sitting and tilted it to drain. The conversation went something like this. I later found out the girl’s name was Kimberly.

Ramashiva — Well, I better empty my ice chest, because I haven’t done so for three or four days.

Kimberly — silence.

Ramashiva — What a beautiful morning. Look, the sky is getting light in the east.

Kimberly — silence.

Ramashiva — Listen, excuse me for being so blunt, but I am heading down to Mexico for the day. Would you like to go on a day trip to Mexico with me?

Kimberly — Thanks for the invitation, but I just want to go home and go to sleep.

At this point it was clear I was drawing dead, so I went back to my car and put the ice chest back in my car. Then I thought — Damn, this girl is really good-looking and young (about 20). I decided to give it one more try. So I walked back over to where she was sitting.

Ramashiva — Listen, I have some pretty good bud. Do you want to get stoned before you go home?

Kimberly — No thanks. I’m a speed freak.

Ramashiva — That’s terrible. What is your name, dear? My name is Bill Coleman.

Kimberly — Kimberly.

Ramashiva — Well, Kimberly, would you like to go have breakfast with me? I’m all alone out on the road, and I love talking to beautiful women.

Kimberly — No thanks. I have my breakfast right here. Besides, I’m not hungry. I’m a speedfreak, remember?

Ramashiva — OK. Well, I won’t bother you any more. But you really are a beautiful woman.

I walked back to the car again, and something told me not to give up on this woman. I walked back once more, and said in a pleading tone –

Ramashiva — Kimberly, are you sure there is nothing at all you want to do with me?

Kimberly (in an obviously irritated tone) — Oh all right. I’ll go have breakfast with you just so you will stop hassling me.

Now I had a serious logistical problem, because my car was packed for an end of the world scenario, with the front passenger seat and floorboard loaded up. It took me about ten minutes to unload and reload my car to free up the passenger seat. I later learned that a female clerk in the convenience store witnessed the entire spectacle, including Kimberly hopping in when I had the front seat clear.

I have to tell you, that situation is quite a rush. Here it is, 6 am in Yuma, Arizona, and I have just picked up a very good looking young girl who trusts me enough to get in my car and ride away with me.

We pulled up to a coffee shop and the following conversation ensued –

Kimberly — I have something else I need to tell you about myself.

Ramashiva — What could possibly be worse than being a speed freak?

Kimberly — I’m a hooker.

Ramashiva — Oh, well, I love hookers. I love hookers and strippers. I am so outrageous that hookers and strippers are the only women who will even talk to me.

Kimberly laughed her ass off at this remark. I have found that when a woman starts laughing at everything you say, you have a shot.

So now, I have an epiphany — I could actually get laid in this situation. She’s a speed freak hooker. She’s probably turning tricks for like $20. I could make a wholesale purchase.

By the time we got in the restaurant, I was so sexually aroused at being in the presence of this girl and realizing that I could fuck her for a trivial sum of money that I couldn’t even read the menu. I was actually trembling with desire.

During breakfast I explained to her that I hadn’t been laid for twenty years, and that I needed tender loving care and a gradual progression to actual fucking. She was astounded I hadn’t been laid for twenty years and commented that I was practically a virgin. EXACTLY, KIMBERLY.

So then the conversation went something like this –

Ramashiva — So listen, Kimberly, the only way I can do anything with you is if you spend at least a day, and preferably two or three days with me fucking my brains out in a hotel room.

Kimberly — I could do that.

Ramashiva (thinks “be still my beating heart”) — And how much would you want per day for this service?

Kimberly — Oh, $100 per day would be cool.

I am telling you that this is one of the greatest bargains in the history of the world.

Ramashiva — And I can fuck you as much as I want, right?

Kimberly — Of course.

Ramashiva — And what if I’m really horny and fuck your brains out for six hours straight? Will that be a problem?

Kimberly — Not at all. Most of my customers come in two or three minutes. I would love to fuck a man who could fuck me for hours at a time so I could get off too.

OMFG! I just about came in my pants when she said that.

Ramashiva — Now Kimberly, I already have a hotel room in XXXXXX, which is a X hour drive from here. Can we just go there, so I don’t have to rent another hotel room here in Yuma?

Kimberly — Sure, no problem.

Ramashiva — And if I want you to stay more than one day, can you stay longer?

Kimberly — Honey, as long as you keep paying me $100 a day, I will stay as long as you want.

Ramashiva — And you feel safe driving off with me to another city, even though you just met me?

Kimberly — Yes I do, otherwise I wouldn’t agree to go with you.

By the time we got back to the parking lot and in my car, I had lost it completely. I was totally turned on, and in the presence of a very beautiful young woman who had just told me to take her back to my hotel room and fuck her brains out.

Then I fucking blew it. We are headed out of town. Everything is settled. I am too fucking considerate –

Ramashiva — Listen, Kimberly, we are probably going to be gone for two or three days. I want you to relax and have a good time, otherwise I won’t have a good time either. I don’t approve, but methedrine is your poison of choice. You want to run by your dealer’s real quick and pick up enough for three days?

Kimberly — That would probably be a good idea.

Notice she did not bring up the subject of drugs. We were on our way out of town. So she gives me directions to a residential area of Yuma, with which I am familiar, since I used to live there. I park the car and the conversation goes something like this –

Ramashiva — You are just going to run in and get the stuff, right? I don’t want to get strung out waiting for some dope deal to go down.

Kimberly — Oh, no. I’m sure he already has the stuff.

Ramashiva — OK. How much will it cost for three days of meth?

Kimberly — Oh, about $30.

Ramashiva — OK. Here’s $40. I might want to snort a line or two of crystal meth myself.

Kimberly — OK. I’ll be right back. You aren’t going to drive off and leave me, are you?

Ramashiva — Are you kidding??? In case you hadn’t noticed, I really, really, want to fuck you. I’m ready for you, girl.

She left her breakfast and a pack of cigarettes — I guess to indicate she was coming back. Of course, she never did. I waited two hours, then I tossed her breakfast and cigarettes out of the car and drove off. Right after I drove off, I decided to circle back to make sure I had the steets correct, because I was sure she lived in the immediate area. Her breakfast and cigarettes were no longer on the curb. She was obviously in one of the apartments in front of which I had parked. When she saw me driving off, she obviously ran out and got her stuff.

Needless to say, I was rather distraught at this development. I called my Lesbian Stripper Girlfriend Tiffany (that’s another story) and left her a long plaintive voice mail telling her the whole sordid story. She later told me that voice mail was the funniest thing she had ever heard.

At the end of the voice mail I said –

Jesus Christ, Tiffany, how lame can I possibly be? I can’t even get laid by a speed freak hooker. My life is over. I might as well kill myself now. Oh fuck it. I’m headed for the whorehouses of Mexico. Think I can get laid in a whorehouse? I wouldn’t bet on it.

So I headed for Mexico. Normally, I drive right into Mexico, but the guns and cannabis made that a no no, obviously. I planned to park on this side of the border, in the McDonald’s parking lot, or a supermarket parking lot.

I had forgotten how busy the border was during the day. There is no parking place anywhere. I drive down this narrow alley to get to an area behind McDonald’s where there may be parking places. This fucking idiot has the alley blocked with his truck. The truck driver and I curse at each other for about ten minutes in Spanish, but he refuses to move his truck.

What the fuck. I am about a block down an alley too narrow to turn around in, so I back up. Just when I get to the street, this whore bitch from hell decides she is going to turn into the alley. Now another ten minute cursing match ensues in Spanish, with me gesticulating at the truck, explaining that the truck has the alley blocked, while she is screaming at me to get the fuck out of her way.

Finally, I tell her in no uncertain terms to get the fuck out of my way, or I will drag her out of her car and move her car myself. She got the message, because she backed out onto the street. I backed out facing south and started to pull into the left hand lane to make a U-turn.

Just about this time, she decides she doesn’t want to go into the alley after all, and drives off into the left-hand lane just as I am trying to drive into that lane myself. She almost broadsides me, and another lengthy cursing match in Spanish ensues.

At this point, I decide — Fuck this. I am having a terrible day. I am going back to my hotel.

On the way back to Yuma, it occurs to me that the clerk at the convenience store might know Kimberly and I might be able to hook up with her again that way.

So I return to the convenience store and talk to this middle-aged female convenience clerk.

Ramashiva — Excuse me, I was in here about 6 am and met this young girl Kimberly. Do you know her?

Clerk — Oh, yes. I know Kimberly. She works the night shift (indeed). She comes in here every morning about 6 and buys breakfast and lotto tickets.

Ramashiva — Did you see what happened out in the parking lot this morning?

Clerk — (laughs) Yes. You picked her up.

Ramashiva — Well, I’m an old man. I guess I really shouldn’t be hustling young girls like that.

Clerk — Hey. There’s no age limit on being friendly.

What a profound statement that is. Since this clerk was obviously amused by the whole situation, I asked her if she would give my name and phone number to Kimberly. She readily agreed.

Kimberly has not called. What a bummer. If I wasn’t so considerate, I would have ended my twenty year dry spell.

How’s that for a hooker story?

William Coleman (ramashiva)

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Link of the Day:
Crazy in Mexico

Leigh Roth is a complex woman.

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 19th, 2006 at 9:59 pm and is filed under Uncategorized.