Poker Perambulation

You know your mama’s bound to die.

All my trials, Lord.

Soon be over.

That is a pretty bleak message. It is in the category spiritual. It is the song of a mother trying to comfort her child from her deathbed. This week the Grubs are trying to reconcile all that.

Frankly, if I were to die tomorrow, I would consider it a blessing. No, I am not looking to die. I am acknowledging that a quick passing can be a blessing. I would prefer not to end life in the prolonged or agonizing manner that so many are forced to do.

In the Grubs case, it wasn’t traumatic; it was prolonged. They had the sorrow of seeing a different person emerge and a ‘retirement’ home the result. The news is full of reports of people who ‘wander off’ from those settings. The news reports their enfeebled state; but, I now wonder if it wasn’t a moment where their rational thoughts had briefly returned and they were seeking an escape from that which a ‘passionate’ society had gifted them. The current methods are certainly better for the family; but, I think I’d prefer a more primitive approach that allowed me to go sit on the mountain’s side and watch a sunset or two in speeding the process.

My mother’s passing wasn’t pleasant – the big C. I’d moved home after my father passed away. Mother was warned by a dentist of all things that she need to see a doctor at once. She elected not to. She told me this and I proceed to watch her fail. As she got weaker and didn’t like the taste of any food and took on other weakening traits, I tried to stay fully supportive while tearing myself apart. It isn’t easy to watch. My sisters had their own lives we’d see them on a holidays or such and Mom could rise to the day. After about a year of this, I wanted to get out for one day’s fun. Well, there they finally caught on and when I got home there was a message to come to the ER at the local hospital. My sisters couldn’t let go. Chemo, radiation, the whole nine yards to save our mother and how could I have let all this happen. Well, Mother died more slowly/uncomfortably and we became estranged in the process. It got pretty nasty. I just shut up and hunkered down. I’ve avoided all family contacts since. And that’s how it is today.

I don’t blame my sisters for not letting go. I blame myself for failing to honor Mother’s wishes and causing her additional agony. I should have been her advocate when she couldn’t. Life doesn’t always give us what we want. We all saw everything blow up in the end.

We all have our own guilt on someone’s passing. Our memories unfortunately tend to fixate on the current. It can become a horror that we can’t set aside. If we can set aside the theft of our loved one’s dignity, it is a good thing. We can remember the person that molded us into who we are. That was the strong person that gave us the values we carry though life with unconditional love the big bonus.

We have the best health care in the world. It can screw up occasionally; yet most of the time it can keep us alive, regardless. I certainly would like to live forever but I am also a do not resuscitate. Those who love someone often cannot reconcile those views. It isn’t about life; it is about quality of life. Your final, loving gift is letting go.

If you don’t know the song or feel like a listen: http://ibiblio.org/jimmy/folkden/php/music/Trials.mp3

I don’t know if this helps anybody but me. It was a cathartic for me. I really hate to address death and now I’ve done it twice in a week. And, I finally mention something that has affected me strongly and maybe that will let me begin setting that aside.

ADDENDUM:

My musical generation is the Hootenanny crowd with a tinge of Elvis. Thankfully, I had a life before disco. I did a fair job of avoiding that but I must blush and admit I did own one Leisure Suit. It was this nubby polyester and had this neat stitching around the lapels and … Oh my god! I am as camp as John Travolta.

If you are lucky enough not to have ever seen a leisure suit in a shop window: http://www.thehenryford.org/exhibits/pic/2004/leisure/outfit.asp

You may laugh, but you need to burn those pictures of you in those baggy, denim shorts with the huge pockets and all or you’ll end up as embarrassed someday.

*******

Another tune goes sort of like barump, barump, barump da yada da yada barump etc. and then halts. Yes, we’re talking Musical Chairs and that is Bodog’s latest, new game. They lost their URL in a lawsuit; it took bodog.com from them. Yesterday they went from being newbodog.com to bodoglife.com. After two more chairs go, they may win the door prize.

[I think/hope this is my last on the main topic.  I've been staring at the publish button for a long time trying to get up the nerve on this one.  It is far more personal than I ever thought I could get on the Internet. And there's no rational reason to stick others with it.  Sorry!]

This entry was posted on Friday, September 21st, 2007 at 8:31 am and is filed under Journal, Off Topic. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.