It’s Gonna Be the Bestest Ever

Because I am well-versed in libel law, I am going to have to preface this post with a disclaimer. Though satire is protected speech under the First Amendment, some court cases have added the caveat that the satire must be obvious to the reader.  I feel compelled to state this post is a joke, because a reasonable person could see what follows as true, considering  the feckless ridiculousness of Harrah’s performance as steward of the World Series of Poker.

Dear Poker Player,

We here at Harrah’s Entertainment are excited to announce a number of changes to this year’s World Series of Poker, the greatest collection of poker tournaments in the Free Universe and Beyond. We love poker and we know you love us. We know you will bend over frequently in order to play this storied event. We take that very seriously.

This year, for the first time, our events will be played with a five-suit deck. This exciting innovation will undoubtedly increase interest in our beloved game.  The new suit, Stars, is sponsored by Fritz’s Auto Wrecking (now in five Western states!) and will be chartuese in color. Harrah’s believes the added cards will give players more chances to win, while also adding an element of confusion, which is what we do best here at Harrah’s Entertainment.

In addition, as a nod to our international game that draws players from all over the world, some of the decks will be printed in Asian characters. Not the whole deck, just cards selected at random. In conjunction, if a the flop contains a character that matches a tattoo of anyone at the table, the entire table will be awarded 2000 extra chips, which will come from the Extra Chip Cache (© Harrah’s Entertainment 2006). Other ways in which bonus chips will be awarded include, but are not limited to, lucky seat drawings, the firing of chip-filled air guns into the crowd and karaoke contests.

As if that wasn’t enough, Harrah’s is also announcing changes to this year’s prize structures. In lieu of cash awards, the top finishers will be compensated with Harrah’s “Fun Bucks,” redeemable for fabulous mechandise at any Harrah’s property, unless we’ve barred you from our properties, in which case we’re sorry.

But the last year has not been all fun and games at Harrah’s HQ. Oh no. In addition to these fantastic changes, we’ve also tightened our security at the Rio. While this may result in longer lines to register or get into the Amazon Room (we suggest you arrive in mid-May to ensure you’ll be seated in time for your event), we feel the safety of our players is the most important aspect of our job, much more important than tight regulation of the number of chips in play. We’ve contracted with TSA, the wildly effective security force that has made our skies safe from terror and 6 oz. bottles of hair product, to provide the most comforting strip searches in the business.

To ease your entry to the tournaments, you need to be aware of some new rules associated with this security lockdown.

No shoes will be permitted. Cubby holes will be provided at the entrance to the Rio for you to store your potentially explosive footwear.

No more than one Muslim will be allowed at each table and a TSA representative will be assigned to stalk all players who can correctly pronounce “jihad.” If more than one Muslim makes a Final Table, one of those players will be chosen at random, removed and driven to an industrial part of town.

No shirt logos allowed. This includes not only online poker sites, but Abercrombie & Fitch and all bands. White, unmarked tees are the only acceptable garments and management reserves the right to write the name of one of our sponsors on your t-shirt at any time.

The only Chan allowed in the room is Johnny. Though his orange will be quarantined by the Agricultural Dept.

We hope you enjoy your seven week stay at the Rio and we know you’ll agree these changes will result in the best WSOP ever. If you do not agree, you will be beaten mercilessly until you do.

Thank You,

Harrah’s Entertainment