You Can’t Win Online

Being that we are logical, astute people, we resist the urge to scream “Fixed!” when our opponent makes an idiotic play on a flop where they have no business treading, but makes perfect-perfect to bust us. The tin-foil-topped hue and cry is fun to watch, but less interesting to join. It’s one long session and math rules and while it’s easy to blame the inanimate RNG, this kind of stuff is going to happen.

Which makes it difficult for me to join the conspiracy nuts. But the evidence I’m about to submit is cut and dried. I have to say it:

Mario Party 8 is rigged. Totally rigged.

AJ and I spent his birthday weekend playing his new Wii and the aforementioned, offending game. For the uninitiated, it’s like a computer board game, where you amass coins and stars (the latter being more important) and at the end of a pre-determined number of “turns,” whichever team has the most wins (AJ and I played as a team against the computer).

The first game we played, we sailed right along, ending the 10 turns with a star and coin lead. As we prepared for our coronation, we were taken to some arena, where “bonus” stars were awarded. Think of it as side action. All three went to our opponents, and while I thought it was a ridiculous and unnecessary extention to the game, I decided that it altered the strategy to a point where we could adapt and take advantage next time. Think of it as changing gears.

So we play again and we’re destroying the computer. We chose the train “board” this time and with only two remaining turns, we’ve got a 9-4 star lead–and both AJ and I are on the cusp of getting another star–and a prodigious lead in coins. What happened next was nigh unbelievable.

First, one of the computer opponents hits the bonus spot, which allows players to pick up extra coins, something they need greatly since they don’t even have enough to buy crucial “candy,” which can both help you and harm the opponents. So, imagine my surprise when those bonus points give them JUST enough for “Bowlo Candy,” a devastating tool which takes X amount of coins from any player you pass and gives them to you, a double whammy.  Guess what happens next? Yep. The teammate’s turn and he uses the Bowlo Candy to rob AJ and I of 15 coins each AND makes it to the engine to get a star, now with enough coins to actually pay for it.

And then, you’re not going to believe this, lands on the steam vent space, a short-cut that whisks him right back into a star-scoring spot with one turn remaining.

That’s cool, though. He is one spot in front of me and two spots in front of AJ, so a) we still have a 9-5 coin lead and b) all we need to do is move a total of 4 (and 5) spaces to up our lead to a certain victory and we have two turns to do it.

Except the vent works the other way, too, so if you land on that particular spot going toward the star, it whisks you past it, so you have to go all the way around again. If you just guessed that AJ “rolled” a 1 and I “rolled” a 2, you’re right. We both missed getting a star and were now assured of not getting one on our final turn, either.

If you geussed that BOTH of our opponents rolled numbers just high enough to get a star on their final turn, you’re right. So we go to the bonus round leading 9-7 and I KNOW we’ve got at least one star, because AJ and I bought candy at every opportunity, so should easily take the “Shopping” Star for most coins spent.

Except, and this is where I fucking lost it, the “bonus stars” are not the same. All three were different from the previous ones and each went to the computer team, leading to a 10-9 loss for the good guys.

We lost the third and fourth games we played, too, seeing some familiar bonus stars and some new ones. Total of the 12 bonus stars we won in 4 games? Zero.

So..rigged.