Joe Speaker

The first time I won a game of chance, I was nine. Emma C. Smith Elementary School yearly fair/fund-raiser. The cake walk.

I was beyond excited to carry that thing home. Chocolate cake with butterscotch frosting. It tasted as if it was baked by the Gods themselves, sugary ambrosia. The sweetest cake is bonus cake.

I was familiar with winning prior to that day. I played sports. My soccer team were incumbant state champions. But those were games of skill, reward for hard work and committment. It gave me a taste of success and I craved it. I wanted to win at everything.

That weekend-long fair also featured an Olympic-style series of competitions for each grade level and I put as much effort into those contests as I did on the soccer field. When they announced the winners, I was stunned to not be in the top 3. The glow of free cake was gone and I sloughed home in tears.

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My first “big score” on the ponies came in high school. Alameda County Fair. $2 wps on Blueberry Policy who crossed the wire first at 14-1. I drank a lot of Budweiser that night. The rush of the home stretch, the pride in handing that ticket over at the window, adrenaline, profit. Winning.

One weekend in college, I drove north from San Diego to San Luis Obispo to visit Donny. A couple of our hometown boys–Marsh and O.C.–came southward to hang out. All day on Saturday, we played cards. Chicago, Pee-Wee, five-card draw, Jacks or Better. Tiny stakes, but I won $20, mostly off Marsh, who we all knew was a way better card player than any of us. Triumph and satisfaction. Winning.

I gave it all back the next day and my anger at defeat was every bit as forceful as the previous day’s emotions.

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Careful readers will have noticed I’ve been undergoing something of an existential crisis in regards to poker. I tried hard to be good at the game and my results and lack of improvement the last couple years illustrate that I am not. A hard truth to swallow, especially considering my massive ego (heh) and desire to succeed–win!–at every challenge I enter.

There are no excuses. I’ve been lackadaisical in improving my game and can honestly say I’ve regressed in my ability, ability that–at one time–showed some promise. It’s a bit like soccer. I’ve not felt that juice to play the last couple years. While there are some logistical reasons for that, the biggest one is that I am unable to play at a level I once took for granted. Age has robbed me of a step or two. Lack of fitness has frustrated my brain, which still demands action from my unwilling body. I don’t want to play in this lesser guise. It mocks the advantage I once enjoyed.

The solution is a simple one. Get fit. As a youth, I practiced four, five nights a week. Strategy was plotted, eventualities accounted for, so when we took the field, we were prepared for anything. We were confident in all aspects and the results reflected our readiness. And that is how you win.

I’ve not done any training at poker for two years. Like I told <a href=”http://nickelanddimes.blogspot.com”>drizz</a> the other night, I just like drinking and gambling. Explaing away my malaise, my losses. True, but not completely honest. I like fucking winning. More than both those things. Yet, my committment to that has clearly waned, because you can’t just show up and expect to win. You need to be equipped, qualified and clear in your intentions.

Everybody has things about them which they want to improve. There are entire industries built on these desires: weight loss, smoking cessation, steroids. Resolutions. I’m going to do it! But where’s the time? The energy? It’s a 24/7 world in which we live and responsibilities and social interaction and entertainment takes those precious minutes and grinds them up. You can’t even account for all of it and wonder where the time has gone.

It comes down to how important that “thing” is. Where does it fit on the priority scale and are you motivated enought to keep it there? Whatever it is you want, the question is, “How badly to you want it?”

Regarding poker, I don’t know. We’ll find out. I miss winning. Satisfaction of a just reward. Deserving a result because I earned it. How badly do I want to feel that again?

I’m gonna have some cake and think about it. 

This entry was posted on Friday, August 31st, 2007 at 12:52 pm and is filed under Uncategorized.