Thats where I am, where I have been, year two of my journey in this new land. I have read that actually the second year can be worse than the first. Nice to know I am not crazy (in that regard anyway). I thought something magical would happen after a year of Widowhood, I was very wrong. The only thing that happens is it gets worse and that is hardly magical.
I guess in year two reality sets in, okay this is what it is and this is how it will remain. Plus little things start to happen that I depended on my husband for, but he is not here to fix them. More reality – do it yourself. Not that I can’t do most of it, I just hate it. When problems pop-up they seem to be the kind that would have never happened if he had been here. At least that is what my head and heart scream at me, all of this is because he is not here.
The bills keep mounting and the income keeps dwindling. I know I am not alone feeling that I work more to make less, and those of us in that boat agree we are happy to have a job at all. I thank God for it everyday, but it would be nice not to have ‘too much month left at the end of the money’ once in awhile. Then when I think I will have a month where I actually may be able to go do something like visit my sis, it is Truck/RV insurance time, property taxes, plumber bills…it never ends. None of this brings rays of sunshine breaking through the black clouds in my head.
And speaking of weather related topics, we have had the most mild winter here I have seen in six years. The rest of the country is getting pounded and here, I have dirt and mud where there should be a couple of feet of snow. But I know why, because I spent a ton of $$ on a Ranger with a fancy snow plow. If I didn’t have the damn thing there would be 25 ft of snow in the driveway and I would be snowed in.
For quite awhile now I feel like a fish flopping on the shore, not sure how to get back into the water, not sure if that is where I should even be. Can’t figure out what the next move should be, what I want or what to possibly look forward to. Maybe working to just pay bills IS life but it sure sucks. Yep my attitude on life has not been anything joyful to write about, so I stay away.
Poker. Just the word makes me ill. I hate it right now. Last night was the PW family tourney and I had to force myself to enter and tried my best to get out as soon as I could. The only reason I wasn’t out real fast is I made some miracle hand I didn’t even see could be made. There were FreeRolls on PokerStars I qualified for, the $2k donkafests every weekend. Yesterday the field was only 300+ but not to worry I couldn’t even best that many. The last tourney I played for money was the $250k last weekend. The donkass in front of me raised every hand and I mucked crap every hand until the dreaded AA. He didn’t disappoint, he raised, I raised, he raised and I went all-in for a total of about $4k. Was I surprised he raised me a zillion times and couldn’t wait to go all-in with a 7-7? Nope. Was I surprised when a 7 hit the river? Nope…. not surprised but extremely pissed off.
The last tourneys I have played in, I have been shown the door with AA, KK, QQ, JJ and 10-10. I can’t stomach it anymore. So I have decided not to play anything that costs money until my mental attitude and luck changes. IF I play (doubtful at this point) it will be FreeRolls only. I did the 0 to $1,400 thing a couple of years ago and the best part of it all was – I didn’t invest a dime. I have no clue how people play a million tournaments a week and fade the beats, I can’t do it. When I play I feel like my brains are splattered all over my monitor, getting beat by Q-6 off suit is something I can’t get used to or accept. I would however love to know where those players get the money to keep playing that bad though, because if I played like that I would have to sell my house to pay for my poker habit.
The next time I will be at the tables will be for the SCOOP event since I have a couple of free tickets and honestly, I don’t even know when that takes place. But I will, as I will write about it. For now, it is poker break time (except for the written word) which my mind really needs badly. To the rest of you – good luck with the poker battle, I have to get my brains wiped off the monitor.
Glenda,
Noticed that you were very quiet last night. Sorry to see that this is what is going on. As always, thank you for sharing the dark as well as the light. You are always in my prayers for healing, health, wealth and happiness. Hope to see you back here soon, with good news to share.
Was checking due date’s for insurance today. My agent lost her husband four years ago to cancer. After explaining your post to her, I asked her what kind of advice one could give you that might help the humps and low places.
She said: “Tell her that when her feet hit the floor in the morning, put a smile on her face. That’s the best advice I can give her. You never get over it. Just tell her that when her feet hit the floor, put a smile on her face.”
Having to go out and face off against other humans is a good reason to put on a ‘happy face.’ Unfortunately, since the only creatures I encounter daily are my four legged ones, smiles are harder to muster up.
My widows group is right on target when they advise to “just get through it -anyway you can, day by day, no matter what it takes.” Which is a good mantra for anyone having dark days.
Thanks as always for the prayers and kind thoughts…they are greatly appreciated.